The Simple Gospel

By: Brenda Wieneke

“We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature – trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence… We need silence to be able to touch souls.” Mother Teresa

As we prepare to move to Georgia in just five days, this summer has been one of the busiest we’ve had in a while. That busyness comes with a lot of time in the car, driving back and forth between Minnesota and Lincoln. As we’ve done this drive time and time again, I can see myself looking forward to it. But as I build up this excitement about driving, it is quickly taken away within five minutes of our trip due to the kids fighting or yelling, “Mom! Mom!” I can slowly see my inner silence and dreams of a quiet car turn into irritation.

One thing that has been coming back to me time and time again over the last two years is a deep desire for silence. Writing that out makes me laugh a little because silence is something I’ve always hated and ran away from every chance I got.

In my teens and early twenties, the thought of silence, going to a restaurant and eating by myself, or driving without any music was something I avoided at all times. Just the thought of silence made me deeply uncomfortable.

As I look back, I can’t help but ask myself: Why was I so afraid of silence? Why did I run away from it? Just the thought of being alone brought me so much anxiety.

Seven years into marriage and six years into this journey as a mom have brought this deep desire for interior silence. It is crazy that this is something I spent my whole life trying to run away from. Maybe one of the reasons I desire it so much now is because I know that whatever comes up in those silent moments, I am in a place where I will be able to handle it. Motherhood has made me into a person who is unrecognizable to my old self. Motherhood has molded me into the woman the Lord created me to be.

One of the biggest reasons I avoided silence was because I knew I didn’t want to deal with all the brokenness that might resurface. I knew I would be faced with parts of my story that I wanted hidden. I knew the Lord would bring up things I was so ashamed of, afraid of, and wounded by. I was still clinging to my own abilities and my own strength, rather than the Lord’s. I was trying to be my own savior, telling myself that if those things came up, I would have to find a way to fix them all. Living in that space left me disconnected from the Lord.

I knew I would have to confront the deep inner turmoil I had been hiding from. I would be consumed by how I actually saw myself which was not as the Lord’s beloved. I would be reminded of abandonment. I would loudly hear the names I was called by those who were meant to care for me. I would be forced to hear the little girl in me crying for help. I would be forced to hear:

 “Brenda, your mom has forgotten you and will never come back for you.”

 “You are useless.”

 “You are dumb; your life is a waste.”

 “Get your ugly self out of my face.”

I would be forced to hear all these lies that I was fed daily, lies that were spoken over me at every moment.

I spent years running, running away from it all, running from the constant lies I was feeding myself. Lies that I was unlovable. Lies that I was forgotten. Lies that I was unseen.

The Lord knew I would have kept running, running from Him, running from healing, and running from Him speaking truth into those broken places of my heart.

Motherhood has been the most beautiful experience I have ever known. It is a place where I’ve learned to mother and be mothered by my Heavenly Father. It is a place where I’ve finally learned not to run away, but to run toward Him. It is a place where the Lord has restored so many parts of my own story, leaving me craving more of Him. Motherhood has helped me understand the love of the Father and His heart for me. It has taught me that in the quiet and the silence is where we find our Lord. In silence is where He meets us. It’s where He reveals His majesty. In the silence of our hearts, the Lord speaks, and He waits for us to meet Him there.

As I’ve experienced the sweetness of the Lord in those quiet moments, I crave it more and more. My heart longs for it, and I seek it every chance I get because it’s where I meet my Lord.